This is my mom. There are many like her but this one is mine.

There are some things that no child should ever witness their mother do. On a yellow legal notepad, one could easily fill out a few thousand examples of disturbing acts that could traumatize a young infant, or break the heart of an older son/daughter.

I do love my mother and talk to her often. It is very difficult to have a real conversation with her because English is not her primary language. She shuts out the American culture. When she does embrace our customs, she accepts common pop-culture, new trendy concepts, or liberal education.

I love my mom because God tells me to do so. If it weren't for Him, I'd boot my mom from my life entirely. Yet by loving her, I constantly have to turn my cheek from her stupid and ignorant sins she freely chooses to act upon.

Since my mom was always away from home growing up, my dad raised me. It was just me and him....and all his beautiful female secretaries. They helped take me to school, cleaned our house, and make me meals from time to time. My dad was quite the Howard Stark in his company, but my mom had other professions.

At times, I have had to "borrow" other mother figures in my life. They have all done a superb job in raising me. One of the biggest founding mothers of my Christian zeal, I owe to Jane Pichette of Vista, CA. Like Jane, there have been many women and men of all ages that have been a parental figure in my life. I do love their guidance and of course, will not cease loving my own dad and mom. I remain in contact with my parents and speak to them often, mainly by phone.

Painful memories have echoed through the silence in between words of short phone calls but nothing prepared me for the shock I received tonight on my cell phone. As if the devil wasn't already working me from all angles under the sun, here comes another blow to my head. My mom sends me some devastating text messages to me....well, they were actually photos.



.... no.... much worse....





I don't know why I'm alive. I'm constantly reminded of how much I've failed or how wrong or how horrible I am. I don't understand why Christ would love me.

Our modern church is so dead it's hard to find real brothers and sisters in Christ that I can cry and pray with. I was at a Christian store recently and after my purchase/transaction, the cashier asked, "Is there anything I can pray about for you?"

I told her no... I didn't want her to have nightmares.

Does Anyone See What I See?

"When a trout rising to a fly gets hooked on a line and finds himself unable to swim about freely, he begins with a fight which results in struggles and splashes and sometimes an escape. Often, of course, the situation is too tough for him.

In the same way the human being struggles with his environment and with the hooks that catch him. Sometimes he masters his difficulties; sometimes they are too much for him. His struggles are all that the world sees and it naturally misunderstands them. It is hard for a free fish to understand what is happening to a hooked one."

-Karl A. Menninger

Every night, multitudes of demons run after me, trying to slam hooks in between the bones of my ribcage. The intensity of the dark nights take a toll on my heart. It is unreal the level of spiritual warfare I engage in every day, multiplied by the oppositions that constantly cut my happiness in two. The pain I endure is indescribable, and I can't help but shed a tear.

I feel baptized by the cold rain that pours over my brow as I take a deep breath of clean, cold air. I wish someone could witness just one hour of what I see every night. Am I alone, left in the lost shadows, fighting evil all by myself?

I can rejoice because there is at least one other person who can witness the pain inflected upon me. I am thankful that Christ burns in my heart of my cold body. He is aware of the night and guides me through to the next hour. He hears me crying, screaming toward the heavens...and His love rests my soul.

A Happy New Year?

A Happy New Year? Let's hope so.

A lot happened to me in 2010. I started the year off with no job. Finding a job, even a temporary crappy one, was impossible. While my bills grew larger and larger, it rained harder and harder. Remember all that rain fall last Spring? My truck broke down too, which left me hopping from bus to bus, train to train. But, I kept my head up.

All 2010 year long, corruption ran abundantly in this nation that I love. Corruption hit this country hard, as well as bleeding into my personal life. While trying to face the music by standing up for what is right, my actions caused me to side with God, which caused me to lose standing with many of my friends. I even picked up several enemies along the way.

In 2010 alone, I lost more friends on Facebook than I gained. I also received four major death threats that were due to my beliefs as a Christian. In turn, those I hoped would support me in times of darkness abandoned my side when the $#!+ really hit the fan. I did have a select few who remained by my side, and told me to not drop my sword. I thank God for these obvious people, and for those Silent Stars.

All year long, I persevered- holding onto my Judeo-Christian, conservative, patriotic, non-pussied beliefs. I held on to not giving up in hard times. I found strength in the one true God to help me make it through this retarded economy and dying national government. While 2010 slowly dragged on, it eventually turned around.

God brought me people to give me strength in my hard times. These people helped feed, clothe, support, and pray for me. One even gave me a chance in helping me achieve a wonderful job. My personal finances slowly began to heal as 2010 came to an end... but the Spiritual Warfare remained violent.

All 2010, confessing before mankind that you are a Christian ( a real Christian, not that pussy-foot, sweater kind) was a real nightmare. To try to live life making decisions that please God, rather than pleasing man, is a real bitch. Life becomes miserable, unenjoyable, and definitely emotionally taxing. All 365 days of 2010 was a fight for righteousness....

...a fight that is definitely worth it.

Now, we begin 2011. It's hard to see 2011 as a "happy" and "new" year. If anything, it's another year to keep on battling the evils that destroy what we Americans love the most. I plan on battling... even harder.

I plan on stepping it up a notch this year. I want to be a leader, and help those who are seeking justice, by finding it. I plan on naming the "evils" that I talk about. I plan on explaining in detail WHAT evils are destroying the fabric of righteousness in this country.

It'll only get worse, but I will not back down.

Happy New Year.... here I come.

"What are you waiting for? ...the signal!"

Batman Returns (1992)- My favorite scene actually isn't one with Michelle Pfeiffer's black, vinyl cat-suit. It's one of the early scenes...

After Gotham has gone chaotic, and before the Bat-signal shines into the sky, the director shows Bruce Wayne, played by comedian Michael Keaton, who could be remembered as one of the best actors to portray Batman, sitting alone in the dark at Wayne Manor.

The shot first shows the dark, quiet castle known as Wayne Manor. Next, you find Bruce Wayne sitting in his library thinking. It's unclear what he's thinking about, but it is obvious he isn't asleep. Next, the Bat-signal shines across the dark, stormy sky; the bat-lights outside Wayne Manor kick on, lighting up the dark library catching Bruce Wayne's attention.

Bruce Wayne leaves his deep thoughts, and stands towards the shine of the signal. Duty calls, and now Bruce Wayne must become Batman.

I believe this scene captures so much of what I go through in life. I lose a lot of sleep thinking... concentrating hard on what was, what is, and what is to come. Like Bruce Wayne, I sit alone in the dark, in silence, and alone. What am I thinking about?

I think about how it is unpleasant to stand up for what is right. I think about how much I am sacrificing in order to stand up to do the right thing. I spend my nights praying and asking God for guidance, concerned for those I love. Just as Batman believed fighting for Gotham, I feel that there is a calling for me to fight for America.

People don't like me. They'd rather believe the rumors they hear about me and make up their minds about who I am, rather than seeking me personally to ask for the truth. It's hard to tell my friends from my enemies. I sit alone in the dark, thinking... thinking... waiting... not looking forward to what God wants me to do.

But just as the Bat-signal shines across the dark sky, the calling God places on my heart kicks on, and I know it's time to stand up for what is right. I love my God, I love my country, and I love you. Sure, like Christ, I ask if these cups be passed to someone else....but I'm the one who is called upon. The Bat-signal is only for Batman. The call in my heart is only for me.

And though Christ will bring division in my life, I will stand towards the Light, fight for righteousness, and do the right thing.