November Rain

"It's hard to hold a candle in the cold, November rain."

Sundays are my most intense, uncomforting days of the week. All day long, I send my body and soul through intense rigorous gauntlets that beat on my mind and muscle.

I have many friends who are also in pain right now. They too struggle with physical problems and depend on more than just medicine to overcome the despair. Other friends of mine struggle emotionally with broken hearts and shattered feelings. Today, a few of my closest friends are left out in the dark and in the rain. I'm speaking symbolically.

From the early AM, all the way until the evening, I do what I can to help these people I love. Though I am no one special, I try my best to offer encouragement and prayer.

While trying to bring spiritual and physical aide to my people, I still am fighting myself to stay alive on the battlefield. Life is a battle and the war between Good and evil constantly drives on. The wear and tear of trying to do the right thing is difficult. I am emotionally drained from trying to do what is right. I could quit, but then the enemy would win.

I look forward to things on a Sunday like working with my high school kids, helping them study Bible verses and an evening of basketball. I play basketball with some real warriors. I fight tooth and nail to keep up to par with these amazing men. They all perform differently but move with such speed, skill, and stamina.

And now as the day comes to a close, the thunder rolls, and the rain beats down me. Now it's my turn to be in the dark and in the rain. My body steams from the intense work out and I look to cool my skull with the pouring water.

I hate this time of the day... the closing hour... the final scene before the screen goes black and the words "Executive Producer..." appear. The pain I've shared with my friends, as well as personal hurts my own heart received today finally catch up to me. Like the cold, today's insults and struggles wrap my body. The emotional and physical pain keeps me warm in the dark.

Darkness, cold air, falling rain, loud silence, and myself all holding on to the final heartbeats of the night. A battalion of demons surround my home, and breathe heavily on my window. This little Light of mine, I'm still gonna let it shine. But as the elements of the night pour down hard on me, it's hard to keep that light shining.

It's hard to hold a candle in these hard times. To my friends out there who are in pain too... remember, nothing last forever, even cold November rain.

This is my mom. There are many like her but this one is mine.

There are some things that no child should ever witness their mother do. On a yellow legal notepad, one could easily fill out a few thousand examples of disturbing acts that could traumatize a young infant, or break the heart of an older son/daughter.

I do love my mother and talk to her often. It is very difficult to have a real conversation with her because English is not her primary language. She shuts out the American culture. When she does embrace our customs, she accepts common pop-culture, new trendy concepts, or liberal education.

I love my mom because God tells me to do so. If it weren't for Him, I'd boot my mom from my life entirely. Yet by loving her, I constantly have to turn my cheek from her stupid and ignorant sins she freely chooses to act upon.

Since my mom was always away from home growing up, my dad raised me. It was just me and him....and all his beautiful female secretaries. They helped take me to school, cleaned our house, and make me meals from time to time. My dad was quite the Howard Stark in his company, but my mom had other professions.

At times, I have had to "borrow" other mother figures in my life. They have all done a superb job in raising me. One of the biggest founding mothers of my Christian zeal, I owe to Jane Pichette of Vista, CA. Like Jane, there have been many women and men of all ages that have been a parental figure in my life. I do love their guidance and of course, will not cease loving my own dad and mom. I remain in contact with my parents and speak to them often, mainly by phone.

Painful memories have echoed through the silence in between words of short phone calls but nothing prepared me for the shock I received tonight on my cell phone. As if the devil wasn't already working me from all angles under the sun, here comes another blow to my head. My mom sends me some devastating text messages to me....well, they were actually photos.



.... no.... much worse....





I don't know why I'm alive. I'm constantly reminded of how much I've failed or how wrong or how horrible I am. I don't understand why Christ would love me.

Our modern church is so dead it's hard to find real brothers and sisters in Christ that I can cry and pray with. I was at a Christian store recently and after my purchase/transaction, the cashier asked, "Is there anything I can pray about for you?"

I told her no... I didn't want her to have nightmares.

It's Not What You Know, It's Who You Know!

City of Vegas? More like the City of VISTA!- What a day! I went for a painful run first thing in the morning. Then, I went to the bank. The teller flirted with me hard only because I was depositing a few thousand in cash. Sorry, that dough is for a special girl, not you. LOL. I had lunch with a couple of funny cats. One was cute, the other was mad. But I guess we're all mad here. After that, I did a little bow and arrow training ( I shot a Styrofoam bear!). I relaxed by taking a dive into studying the Ante Nicene Church Fathers. I messed around at Michael's, and finally ended up with a bunch of people at Boomers! The day was just packed!

So I'm at Boomers, a place with arcade games, go-carts, and miniature golf courses, and it turns out that one of my friends knows how to work the system with tickets! Like in the Vegas movies with card counters, my friend knew how to beat the ticket machines with the timing of dropping a token. He was so well at this, the tickets were pouring out of the machine. Not exactly counting cards in a game of Black Jack, but wow... he had these machines on lock down!

I tried to play the ticket games but only scored maybe 4 to 12 tickets at a time. My friend walks up, studies the machine, and carefully times exactly when to drop the token. The tickets were flooding in mad! I'm just standing next to him watching him score again and again and again. I'm collecting so many tickets, all the little kids around me are all mad-dogging me. I'm like, "That's right.... Can I get a wheel barrel?"

Tickets were just piling up in my pockets. We were cleaning the place out! I was screaming, "Ladies, root beer floats are on me!" I kept thinking security was going to come after us, take us out to the alley, and Robert De Niro would ban us from this family fun center!

Instead, we cashed in all our tickets. Since we couldn't figure out where we'd put the lava lamp or inflatable mallet, we just used our tickets to buy A LOT of candy, a dinosaur, a few tops, and other pieces of crap. Good times!

Does Anyone See What I See?

"When a trout rising to a fly gets hooked on a line and finds himself unable to swim about freely, he begins with a fight which results in struggles and splashes and sometimes an escape. Often, of course, the situation is too tough for him.

In the same way the human being struggles with his environment and with the hooks that catch him. Sometimes he masters his difficulties; sometimes they are too much for him. His struggles are all that the world sees and it naturally misunderstands them. It is hard for a free fish to understand what is happening to a hooked one."

-Karl A. Menninger

Every night, multitudes of demons run after me, trying to slam hooks in between the bones of my ribcage. The intensity of the dark nights take a toll on my heart. It is unreal the level of spiritual warfare I engage in every day, multiplied by the oppositions that constantly cut my happiness in two. The pain I endure is indescribable, and I can't help but shed a tear.

I feel baptized by the cold rain that pours over my brow as I take a deep breath of clean, cold air. I wish someone could witness just one hour of what I see every night. Am I alone, left in the lost shadows, fighting evil all by myself?

I can rejoice because there is at least one other person who can witness the pain inflected upon me. I am thankful that Christ burns in my heart of my cold body. He is aware of the night and guides me through to the next hour. He hears me crying, screaming toward the heavens...and His love rests my soul.

In Dreams

Temecula, CA- Ever since I was a small child, I often would have a dream about once a year, that would be unlike most of my other dreams. These dreams would be so vivid and amazing, that when I would wake up, I would be shocked that the events that took place were all just a dream.

Last night, I had one of these dreams. It felt so realistic. The events that took place seemed as alive as when I'm awake. Sure, I've had violent nightmares and dreams brought on by post-traumatic stress from combat, but these particular dreams I'm talking about would be pleasant. It's usually the violent dreams that are vivid and clear. But every now and then, like last night, I will have a pleasant dream that would be remarkable.

Well, it was so remarkable, that when I woke from it, I was devastated. My heart fell and I just laid there looking up at the ceiling. I was so emotionally crushed, I couldn't bring myself to move. I tried what most people try to do. I closed my eyes and hoped I'd resume the dream.

Today, leaving work, I was at a stop light and looked to my left. I saw an open field. The setting sun casted a beautiful glow on the amber waves of grain. The beautiful reflection reminded me of this dream I had last night.

The life I live is not easy. I am constantly at war and moving from battlefield to battlefield. (These days, I speak symbolically) Maybe sometimes when I have dreams like this, or see an image in the nature around me, it's really God giving me a break from these hard times.

Hopefully, later tonight, I can have another one of these grand, pleasant dreams, and escape this reality for just a moment.

"True, I talk of dreams,
Which are the children of an idle brain,
Begot of nothing but vain fantasy,..."

The Broken

Tonight, I'm on NetFlix and I'm watching the most BIZARRE movie ever. Yup, I'm watching a movie from my DroidX phone; awesome.

Well, I wanted to see an action movie that I've never seen before so I began searching the list of titles. I came across a movie starring actress Lena Headey. You might remember her from the movie 300.



She's very tall, healthy, and comes across the silver screen in a powerfully, gorgeous manner. So I decided to view this movie she's in. The movie is called, The Broken! ...ooooooh....

Yeah, sounded really cool and interesting... but it's not!
This movie is totally BIZARRE!




First of all, it starts off incredibly slow. After for what seemed like forever, a mirror in the dining room finally broke. While using a payphone, a girl that looks exactly like her drives by a Jeep Cherokee. She trips out because it's the same vehicle she drives and the driver looks exactly like her.



All this stuff is happening, nothing's really happening, I don't know what's happening, things are just happening. I'm daydreaming about work, fishing, and....oh, there is one thing happening in the entire movie. Lena Headey's character is walking around everywhere with high heels. You hear them clack through the whole movie.

CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, Nothing's happening, something about a birth defect with the heart, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, she's walking here, walking there, maybe that's why she has such great legs: all the walking in this movie. CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, what's going on? Another mirror broke!

Finally, most of the movies budget went into a scene where she crashes her Jeep Cherokee.

Then, you guest it... CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, where is she going, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, nothing's happening.



She's naked in some scenes, but you don't see anything. She opens the mirror in the bathroom to grab some asprin, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention, but I assume she's going to close the mirror and the dead asian chick will be behind her, or in the reflection.

NOPE!!!!! She closes the mirror and NOTHING HAPPENS! Seriously? I'm surprised she's not naked with only her high heels on. No clacking in this scene, THANK GOD!



She's all cut up from the wreck. I keep waiting for her reflection to distort or bleed all over the place, but nothing happens. There's just a lot of great shots of her face and neck. Lena Headey has a great neck in all her movies... well, this is the second movie I've seen her in.



She has a pretty neck. I'm not crazy crazy about it but it is nice enough to notice. I'm surprised she's not in more movies. Ironically, she's in this one. Oh, I almost forgot...

CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, ...yeah, she just went upstairs only to turn around and walk back down stairs. I wonder if In N Out is still open? Can you believe there's an In N Out right outside the fitness gym I work out at? Is that injustice, or what?



More mirrors are breaking; is it Friday yet? I thought it said this movie was an hour and a half... I feel like it's longer than the second Lord of the Rings movie.

She's a doctor in this movie. The director spends about four hours filming a spilled cup of coffee. She just stares at it. CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK.



This movie is bizarre. I think all her friends are dying but no...her friends are not dying. It's actually really predictable and I CAN'T TURN IT OFF!

Oh, JOY she's in the subway, now! CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK. But the exit is locked, so she has to walk back to where she came from! You guessed it: CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK,CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK.



Finally, the ending wraps up with intensity. I actually think the end could save the movie.... no, it's predictable. What I predicted is EXACTLY what ends up happening. Dang, really?

This movie is so bizarre and horrible... it's actually not bad.



CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK!

God Keep Those I've Lost

The streets at night are lonely. The darkness is abundant with sorrow and the aftermath of pain. Life truly hurts. I can feel the pain in every cell in my body. I think my heart aches because it stopped beating.

I have made it a habit to fight every second of my life. When I fall to the ground, I don't waste my time dusting off the dirt. I get right back up and start swinging. God blessed me with two fists that I can use to take out demons, one right after an other. I feel the fatigue when the demon I have to fight is myself.

I live life in the fast line. It doesn't slow down one bit. But sometimes, things happen in our lives that make us realize that we are moving too fast. We go through life so fast that we take for granted the blessings God has given us. We assume that those we love will always be there. We often ignore the inevitable.

Sometimes, we have to face the reality of losing a loved one. Sadly, it isn't until they are gone that we regret not spending enough time with that person. Only God can give us a Promise that we can see those we've lost again.

What hurts is when the smallest and shortest memory you have with someone who is gone, is a memory that burns in your heart hotter than fire. Crying is only the tip of the ice burg.

I fight every day and night against demons who come after my soul. Those who love me fight by my side. It just hurts when the world takes someone you love, someone who has fought for you to live.

Dead to Rights

Southern California- These summer nights burn hot, no matter how cold the fog gets. I sit in the dark under some quiet candle light.

I try to imagine this life like a movie. Today, I saw the plot, the very reason I should live. I met the hero too... and no, it's not me. I'm no hero.

I saw beauty, I saw heaven. I saw the ugly, and the stench of hell today. I know what I must fight for. I know what I must wage war with. Though I roam the night alone, I am fully aware of who my enemies are: ..and they are coming to destroy me.

I sit here at my hero's desk, scattering myself over a Bible, realizing that the chief general to the army I am at war with is... myself. In this movie, men like me don't have happy endings. If I'm lucky, I might get to ride off into the sunset, before I get myself killed.

Beside me always, is my gal Kimberly. She is gorgeous, firm, and looks incredible in black. I wrap my hand around her, and I swear I hear her whisper that she'll never leave me. I slide my magazine deep into her, then rack the slide. ...Gorgeous. Men like me don't have happy endings.

My eyes look up at the window and I know it's time for me to ride the night. I never sleep anymore. I am a demon who trembles at the presence of Christ, fighting for a future I'll never see. I realize I'm nothing; I am nothing who believes that I should fight for Something.

It's dark outside now, and time to begin my ritual. Evil never sleeps and neither do I. Maybe I can be the tip of the spear that suppresses it from attacking those I love. I don't want to go at this war alone; men like me don't have happy endings.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For God is with me. May He help me destroy my enemies....

...even if I have to destroy myself.

A Happy New Year?

A Happy New Year? Let's hope so.

A lot happened to me in 2010. I started the year off with no job. Finding a job, even a temporary crappy one, was impossible. While my bills grew larger and larger, it rained harder and harder. Remember all that rain fall last Spring? My truck broke down too, which left me hopping from bus to bus, train to train. But, I kept my head up.

All 2010 year long, corruption ran abundantly in this nation that I love. Corruption hit this country hard, as well as bleeding into my personal life. While trying to face the music by standing up for what is right, my actions caused me to side with God, which caused me to lose standing with many of my friends. I even picked up several enemies along the way.

In 2010 alone, I lost more friends on Facebook than I gained. I also received four major death threats that were due to my beliefs as a Christian. In turn, those I hoped would support me in times of darkness abandoned my side when the $#!+ really hit the fan. I did have a select few who remained by my side, and told me to not drop my sword. I thank God for these obvious people, and for those Silent Stars.

All year long, I persevered- holding onto my Judeo-Christian, conservative, patriotic, non-pussied beliefs. I held on to not giving up in hard times. I found strength in the one true God to help me make it through this retarded economy and dying national government. While 2010 slowly dragged on, it eventually turned around.

God brought me people to give me strength in my hard times. These people helped feed, clothe, support, and pray for me. One even gave me a chance in helping me achieve a wonderful job. My personal finances slowly began to heal as 2010 came to an end... but the Spiritual Warfare remained violent.

All 2010, confessing before mankind that you are a Christian ( a real Christian, not that pussy-foot, sweater kind) was a real nightmare. To try to live life making decisions that please God, rather than pleasing man, is a real bitch. Life becomes miserable, unenjoyable, and definitely emotionally taxing. All 365 days of 2010 was a fight for righteousness....

...a fight that is definitely worth it.

Now, we begin 2011. It's hard to see 2011 as a "happy" and "new" year. If anything, it's another year to keep on battling the evils that destroy what we Americans love the most. I plan on battling... even harder.

I plan on stepping it up a notch this year. I want to be a leader, and help those who are seeking justice, by finding it. I plan on naming the "evils" that I talk about. I plan on explaining in detail WHAT evils are destroying the fabric of righteousness in this country.

It'll only get worse, but I will not back down.

Happy New Year.... here I come.