In The End

The end result can tell us a lot. If I build a car, part by part, I can test to see if I built it correctly by starting it. If the engine runs healthy, I know by the end result that I build this car correctly.

Many times, we can see evidence to our actions by our end result. If I have a drinking problem, then seek help, I can tell whether or not my counseling is positive or not by my latter drinking habits.

A new product arrives on the line and promises to perform a certain way. I purchase this product in hopes that it will uphold to it's purpose. When I go to use the product, I will know whether or not it is of any quality by it's performance.

But sometimes, it's not so complicated and doesn't require a lot of scientific data. For example, if I play a sports game, i.e. basketball, I can tell by the final score whether or not I was victorious. Plain and simple.

Now, what if I was given data (that any person of reason would confirm) that said I won the basketball game. (say my final score was 117, and the opposing team was 108) It is evident that I won, right? What do I do if I'm told that I lost...especially when the facts show I won by 9 points?

Could I fight for the evidential truth? If so, what would I do? What would I need to do? How can one screw up a grilled-cheese sandwich? The score is plain and clear that I was the winner.

This is one reason why I can't stand living.

Let's say someone told me I lost that basketball game when I clearly won it.
I would find their accusations to be wrong. If I was passionate about how hard I worked at winning that game, I would also find it offensive.

But when I present the facts that show what the final score was, how is it that I'm being offensive?
And lets say the evidence I used was a recorded game book that showed a written score tally- Is it fair for those who claim I lost to say they do not approve of what evidence I used to defend my case?

Next thing I know, I'm apologizing for trying to defend myself when I originally was the victim. I'm apologizing because it was untactful to ask the refs for the game score record book. I'm apologizing for being the victim of slander.

Do you think this is silly? I sure as hell do.

Imagine fighting for truth because YOU are a victim....
...then imagine having to apologize because your pain is offensive.
If a rape victim screamed bloody murder while a guy raped her, should she apologize for screaming? Should she apologize for trying to scratch his face? Should she apologize for calling the cops?

I tried so hard and I got so far, but in the end....it doesn't even matter. As a victim, I had to apologize for being hurt.

My Love Note For A Special Girl

So there is this female that I admire. She is extremely gorgeous and I really would like to give her a Valentine's Day note tomorrow.

In fact, I spent a couple of hours working on it. I'm hoping that she will be impressed with it and notices the care I took in making the card.

I'm really hoping that she'll be flattered to receive it from me. Of course, that is the problem. This beautiful note that I made just for her will be from me.

You see, I think she is terrific. I am a little nervous about giving it to her but my butterflies are not what's holding me back. Even if she does admire my gift for her and even if she is willing to choose to love me, am I good enough for her?

She completely passes my standards in flying colors. But do I deserve her to be my Valentine?


Well, I hold this hand-made card in my hand and wonder whether or not to give it to her tomorrow. After I get off work, I'll know where she will be. I could travel to see her, then walk up to her and wish her a great Valentine's Day!

The card I made is SO beautiful. I should make these and sell them as a side hobby.

But as wonderful as she is.... and by gawd she is amazing...
...and as wonderful as this love note is....
..and as wonderful as she would be in my arms...


....I can't do it.
Why should I let her be in my arms when there are better arms she could be in?

Tomorrow, I will read my love letter I wrote for her one more time, saying the words aloud as if she was there by my side,

then burn it.

I'll just pray that she finds better love than I on Valentine's Day.

November Rain

"It's hard to hold a candle in the cold, November rain."

Sundays are my most intense, uncomforting days of the week. All day long, I send my body and soul through intense rigorous gauntlets that beat on my mind and muscle.

I have many friends who are also in pain right now. They too struggle with physical problems and depend on more than just medicine to overcome the despair. Other friends of mine struggle emotionally with broken hearts and shattered feelings. Today, a few of my closest friends are left out in the dark and in the rain. I'm speaking symbolically.

From the early AM, all the way until the evening, I do what I can to help these people I love. Though I am no one special, I try my best to offer encouragement and prayer.

While trying to bring spiritual and physical aide to my people, I still am fighting myself to stay alive on the battlefield. Life is a battle and the war between Good and evil constantly drives on. The wear and tear of trying to do the right thing is difficult. I am emotionally drained from trying to do what is right. I could quit, but then the enemy would win.

I look forward to things on a Sunday like working with my high school kids, helping them study Bible verses and an evening of basketball. I play basketball with some real warriors. I fight tooth and nail to keep up to par with these amazing men. They all perform differently but move with such speed, skill, and stamina.

And now as the day comes to a close, the thunder rolls, and the rain beats down me. Now it's my turn to be in the dark and in the rain. My body steams from the intense work out and I look to cool my skull with the pouring water.

I hate this time of the day... the closing hour... the final scene before the screen goes black and the words "Executive Producer..." appear. The pain I've shared with my friends, as well as personal hurts my own heart received today finally catch up to me. Like the cold, today's insults and struggles wrap my body. The emotional and physical pain keeps me warm in the dark.

Darkness, cold air, falling rain, loud silence, and myself all holding on to the final heartbeats of the night. A battalion of demons surround my home, and breathe heavily on my window. This little Light of mine, I'm still gonna let it shine. But as the elements of the night pour down hard on me, it's hard to keep that light shining.

It's hard to hold a candle in these hard times. To my friends out there who are in pain too... remember, nothing last forever, even cold November rain.